I feel really bad and I don't know what to do. I've layed on my bed twenty out of the last twenty four hours. Daniel was a true friend and got me up to the clinic today, they've prescribed some new drugs which we picked up today, and a walker tomorrow.
Massey dropped by and prayed for me, and he and Daniel are over at his house now discussing me. Grand-daughter Shelby is coming here in a couple of days.
I've never felt this bad in my life and I'm really thinking of ending it. I don't think I will, but it's crossing my mind.
God help me...
I've decided not to throw myself into the creek. Just my luck I would survive and end up cold and wet. I made it through the night so I'll see how the day goes.
My head really hurts, and my body is vibrating. I don't know what to do. At least I can stop bitching about it...
I think maybe it's time to give up. My head is a mess, my mind is shattered and my heart is broken. We all eventually reach a point in life where the reasons to continue run out, and I may be there.
I can't make another trip back to that hospital. My quality of life is at the bottom, and I don't feel it rising. I don't have a woman by my side, nor do I expect one.
I have family and friends that love me, I know that, but there's got to be more, and I don't see it. That kind of love is great if you have your life together, worthless if you don't.
So I'm going to stagger down to the creek tomorrow and throw myself in. I want to thank everyone who cared about me, say a nice word or two at my funeral.
Goodbye! See you on the other side...
God help me, I don't know what to do. I'm so glad to be home and know where home is.
There was quite a paramedic commotion outside my house the other morning. I don't remember anything, I woke up at Maury Regional in Columbia, TN and didn't know who I was, what month it was or where I lived.
My brain is squirming like a toad, as the Doors used to say. I have to keep it together or I won't make it this time.
Please offer up a prayer for me.
Ok, this isn't good. It's 0530 and I've been up for a couple of hours. I've had a hot lemon drink, and oatmeal with a banana. I'm watching local news on my big TV, and the pressure inside my head is intense. I feel like it's going to explode.
If it does, I want my friends and family to know how grateful I am to have you in my old life. Thank you, thank you.
Daniel and Jennifer get my chairs and table, Massey can have my truck.
Please know that I value your friendship and love, and if there's another side, I'll see you all there!
I slept alright last night, it was good to be back in my bed, but I look around my little place this morning, here on a dead end street in the South, and my heart is crushed.
My life has been gone for a few days and is now coming back to me. My head is buzzing and I don't like what I see. I remember landing here a few years ago with the woman I loved, only to lose her. Now I've lost myself.
I don't know what to do. I need to figure out how to pay my bills, get to the store since I can't drive, and find meaning in life.
Yeah, my nose got a little bent too...
Here's the Post I wrote but didn't publish, on the day I collapsed:
Maybe my lifelong friend Skoge is right? I am a drunk, I accept that it is my addiction, been one since I was twenty one. I've had a couple wonderful vacations from it, one year in Teton Valley a decade ago, and for a month a while back.
But now that I have no control over it, it raises the question? Could ending this addiction really bring me life and the love of someone, or would it be a total waste of time.
I could have been a great successful wealthy man. I had the genes and the brain cells, I knew it.
There was a time playing Babe Ruth baseball back in the mid sixties as I was turning Vietnam war ready, when our team captain enlisted. He went on to become something, I went on to become fucked up, for a while.
As the seventies and eighties evolved I became educated, and was the best badass IBM mini computer programmer in the SF Bay Area and beyond. I wrote two software versions for the largest shipping company on the west coast, among many others.
And then that darned IBM PC came along in 1981. Through the eighties I had a few companies and developed a lot of software, I was a star for a while.
Now I'm here, a pretty much shattered man after all those years. I've been flat broke twice, since. I managed to build up a stash in Idaho, but it's mostly gone now.
I've had an amazing life and I am proud of most of it. To land in a small rental in Southern Tennessee, blows my mind, and I accept it.
I just had a horrible event happen to me. Dainiel dropped by here three days ago and I had collapsed to the floor. He got my cash out of my wallet (under a hundred) and called 911. I was dressed in my robe, Daniel was great dealing with the 911 drivers.
They took me straight up to Columbia at Maury Regional. I had two Seizures and an Acute Subdural Hematoma on the way to the hospital. I don't remember that first day at all, barely the second, and finally my memory came around slightly, I could walk with difficulty, and was discharged.
Daniel was coming back from heart stint surgery in Nashville with Drew and they drove up to Columbia and got me. The hospital brought me down in a wheelchair and I climbed into Drew's vehicle.
This has been the worst physical thing to happen to me in my life. My brain was damamged and I've been struggling to know who I am and where I live. For a while I thought I lived in Kent, WA, for a while I thought I lived in Driggs, ID. Now I realize I live in Lawrenceburg, TN.
I couldn't remember this town until we arrived this afternoon. Now I'm back inside my house and things are familiar but strange. I'm so grateful to Maury Regional for helping me and discharging me from their wonderful hospital.
But man, I really thought I was going to die in there. They had faith in my ability to walk and recover, and they were getting barraged by friends and family for me to get out. Thank you Maury Regional!
Now I'm home writing this Post. I remember my place, my head is spinning and I stagger around, but damn I'm glad to be home.
I'm so happy and proud that my boy Riley and his wife Jessica have achieved their dreams. Successful careers, a great home, and two amazing beautiful daughters.
It gives me the motivation to live, so I can watch them grow up.
As my life ends, I look around and appreciate love. My son Riley and grand-daughter Shelby have floated to the top. I love them both and I know they love me.
How sad it would be to pass on without love in your life, I'm so grateful. But you know, you have to earn it!
I held Riley in my arms before his mother did. I met Shelby when she was just a little girl in Oakdale, CA. They have become my family, my loves, and I am so proud.
They're both amazing, Riley has a wonderful auto-body career and a beautiful family, Shelby is just the star in everything she does, and very lovely.
Thanks God!
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