Well I've done it again. Fucking up is becoming a habit, even when I ShutFUp. I think there's a good possibility my roommate hates me now, if she hadn't before, for almost killing her dogs.
I've been trying to keep my dog murdering intentions under control, but they slipped out yesterday.
We have a storm coming in tonight and people down here in sunshine lala land are on tornado watch. I've been through a couple, never lost anything, and obviously not my life. But I get it.
Shelby has some nice deck furniture on both levels of this condo, and told me they needed to be brought in. I decided to bring the bottom floor cushions into the garage, and the furniture inside, next to the front door.
So here's the situation. At the moment I don't know if roommate and dogs are locked in up in their room, or out for a drive. It had been a couple of hours since I'd seen or heard from them.
As I was taking the cushions back to the Cave, they emerged from upstairs and the dogs bolted down the stairs.
Instead of running in to say hi, because they have learned they're not allowed here, they bolted through the open front door, pass the dog fence that wasn't closed completely, with roommate running and yelling behind.
I bolted to the front and she had them both under control. It appears my attempt to get rid of these dogs, because my heart is broken that they can't share my chair with me and watch TV out in this filthy Cave, has failed.
I have $812 in my bank account, $98 in my PayPal account, and $50 in my pocket. I also have less than a buck on an old Idaho debit card, and a food stamp card that says I have $23 to use every month, but it rarely works.
I've paid this months rent to my grand-daughter landlord, but damn, what a hell of a way to land!
She's taking a killing on this place and needs us out as soon as the lease ends, shortly.
...and, I have no vehicle.
Hey, life sucks sometimes, but I'm still alive, and really glad to be so.
Shelby is working on options, because that's who she is, but only I am my keeper.
Some old guys like me sit around in a nursing home playing Checkers, talking about who is going to die first.
Not me! As 80 comes closer, and my possibility of reaching it is still real, I create AI images, grab Domains, and write code to build them up together.
I've come to love MS's CoPilot. When I forget how to throw a block of code together, I just ask him. And we tweak it along the way, until I have what I want.
Today I've been working on ShutFUp.com. I've got Shelbys monitor hooked up to my laptop, and all of the tools I need to design a landing page for this stupid website, are at my fingertips. It reminds me of the old days, when I always created a development landscape in front of me.
I bought this seven letter domain for the fun of it, and it stands for Shut the Fuck Up. This is a technique I've been developing, that trains your brain Not to respond immediately to someone's words (not actions). Older humans have learned how to say words to achieve an effect, and I'm really tired of reacting to it.
Sometimes you need to just shut the fuck up, because your verbal response usually makes the situation worse.
Damn, life is complicated these days. All I need is a Cave and a computer, a way to get a buzz, and dogs to love on. Fuck everything else, and click the image to see the site.
Here's the Post with the images: ShutFUp
I'm probably at the lowest human state one can be, now.
No complaints really, very grateful for a roof over my head and a space to write these words. But I know what's going on around me.
A few people still love me, and I love them, and that's it. I'm old and I have fucked up most every human relationship I've ever had, for my entire life.
I want to say as my time ends, that I've always been a good man, from my core. I messed up many times, but never with intention, just stupidity.
I've had a lot of great cars in my life. I owned three 1951 Fords, two eights and a six. Loved them all.
But there was one vehicle that defined my life back in the Seventies, and I actually owned two of them over those early years.
I was making good money as a computer consultant back in those days, but at first I was stuck taking the bus in Oakland, CA. Every day we drove by the Triumph dealer and they had the prettiest car sitting forefront in their showroom window.
It was a white 1971 Triumph Spitfire convertible. I told myself I was going to own that car, and one afternoon I got off the bus in front of the dealership, walked inside, bought it, and drove it away.
Probably the most amazing driving experience I've ever had, as I drove top down, around the entire Bay Area all night, blasting music out the great sound system.
It was a sweet fun ride, but the reliability sucked, and I had to buy another one down the road. No regrets as I left the second one in a small Texas town and caught a Greyhound back home with a girlfriend.
Here's one, and picture it as white, with a black top.
...and here's a little video of Tori's first bike ride, from my old blog in Idaho, on the backside of the Grand Tetons.
First Ride
I shut the blog down for a bit today, as I questioned my own words.
They are not being understood the way my old brain expects, by the few people I talk to.
Sometimes speaking your mind and being real, is not a wise thing to do. Sometimes you just need to Shut The Fuck Up!
The way I do it is to disable my blog, and my phone, and just wallow in despair at life, and ShutFup!
When I come out of it, I buy the domain shutfup.com, and document the struggle, with images and words, who's value I have no faith left...
I started creating images on openAI in Pro Mode today, fluctuating between jets and trains and busses. Here they are in slideshow 800x800 video mode, start to finish.
As we were scrubbing down kitchen cabinets the other day, Shelby and I talked about my sharing a house with a woman who's not family. I told her I have a lot of past experience with that, and her answer was comical.
She said Oh yea, you lived with Steph for fifteen years. That would be my ex before I landed in Tennessee, but before her I had decades of serious relational experience living with women, and a couple of wives along the way.
Maybe I've lost my subtleness, and slowly trying to regain it back, but apparently I crossed a boundary when I opened my roommates bedroom door, to set her two small dogs, free.
It was a beautiful day, all house doors open and dog secured. I was sitting out in the Cave, listening to these dogs, that I adore, barking nonstop at the two workers next door, from the balcony, for a half an hour.
I said Fuck this shit and went upstairs and opened her door. The dogs came running out, I made a mistake and I am a bad man for it.
Me and the dogs hung out together the rest of the day and had a wonderful time, two good walks and Sebastian pooped. As we were sitting out on the front porch in the sun, I worked with both dogs to teach them to stop barking at people that walk by. It was working.
I texted my roommate about what I did, then I discovered I had crossed a line, and it's gone downhill from there.
I take full responsibility, I fucked up, and I've learned my lesson. Never open a roommates door, even if they have rotting dead bodies on the other side and the smell is permeating the neighborhood.
I guess I've lost the knack of sharing a space with anyone.
Ok, here's what I'm thinkin. My grand-daughter Shelby is juggling many plates in the air as she moves through this amazing world, at the age of 32. I've loved her since she was two, and she now has the title of Favorite.
She want's to rescue me, like I have been for a year now, and that I'm working hard to remember. She also want's to rescue her brother John from California, and have the two of us live together. In a house or on a horse ranch.
Shelby is a brilliant and complicated young lady. She thinks she can solve everyone's problems by just being there with them, wherever that is, and planing out everything on the fly.
I am on that list, and I just came up with a different idea.
Instead of killing my spirit, and hunkering me down in a fucking quiet neighborhood room near town and the beach, let me fly in my last moments!
I'm thinking about an Amtrak Pass across the States this Summer, combined with an unlimited Greyhound Pass, to connect locally.
Riley don't buy me a truck, Shelby don't give me a life, both of you, just give me a ride out of town.
Let me travel and live one more year, and feel like a man, once again.
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