Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes you let it out and just scream at it.

That just happened to me.

At least I didn't break anything this time, but what the fuck would it matter anyway.

I just screamed at the world at the top of my lungs from my little house on a dead end street at the bottom of the state called fucking Tennessee.

And nobody heard me...

Alright, it's 1100 in Tennessee, the chips from last nights poker game have been put away, and Daniel and I have continued sipping on that big bottle of Devil's Cut that was purchased last night from the store up the street.

My new friend Tony also picked up a bottle of Proper Twelve last night, an affordable smooth Irish Whisky, sponsored by Conan O'Brien, but the whiskey was Great.

Daniels wife is still asleep next door. We have had nothing for breakfast but whiskey, and Fox News is on my big screen. My lovely neighbor is asleep in the chair next to me, I guess it's just a sleepy Saturday...

Oh wait, he's now up and standing in my front door, enjoying my yard.

Daniel introduced me to his friend last night, and he kicked our ass in poker. His name is Tony and Daniel has known him since childhood.

The Lawrence County School System with 14 schools scattered across a big county went down a maintenance guy when one retired, and Tony has all the skills required, and is hopefully their new hire.

He's also a hell of a nice guy, married with kids, and judging from my table this morning, a great poker player. His seat was the one with the double stack of reds ($20) and everything neatly stacked. Daniel had some impressive stacks of whites ($1) and some Devils Cut left in his glass. My chips were scattered all over and my cup was empty.

Actually, in my own twisted mind, I came in first. Considering that I started drinking and smoking around 0900 it's a miracle I was able to play at all!

So, I'm sitting in my chair, front door wide open, and a white SUV backs up in front. I thought it must be a DoorDash for my neighbor Drew, but after a while it honked at me. The passenger side window rolled down and I heard Daniel say "You coming or not?"

I then remembered that we were heading to the Store, for some Devil's Cut sipping whisky. It's funny and strange that I can't recognize my friends vehicle, and who the hell knows what happens after we finish that bottle, new scars?

We have come to playing Poker in the evening. He's helping some friends out right now, but this is his Friday, with next week off. Spells nothing but trouble to me.

So, here's to "new scars!" The plane that Sully landed in the Hudson survived, I figure we will to...

My friend what's his name, hell, the guy formally known as "Dick", and that's not in a formal name format, dropped by this morning, arguing in real time with the "Bitch" over his speaker phone, as he walked through my door.

Twice she wanted to hear my voice, to confirm that her man was not fucking some whore. The "Bitch" was threatening to destroy his prized collection of miniature cars, and wow, I love these two, especially when he turned to me and said "You want to get stoned?"

So here my day started in the depths of despair, and then my friend dropped by, and changed everything. He even spoke of that despair and then gave me that quizzical concerned look that implied "Are You suicidal?"

I told him "Fuck No!" I'm going to ride this train called Life until it runs out of tracks and nose dives into the sand. I may question my situation right now, but I value every second of it's existence!

Do you ever have those rare moments when you encounter a face that is expressing pure joy in seeing you! I just experienced that with our lovely mail lady. As I walked to the curb she handed me an envelope from the truck, and her face burst into this amazing, real, down home southern woman.

Daniel and I banter about our hot mail lady with tats on her legs, but I saw her true self today, and it was something. I'm not talking about anything physical here, just the pure joy of interacting with an old man she's delivered mail to for over five years.

We had that fun little interaction last week where I used her face to see if my phone security was off. This was our first encounter since, and I'm sure she told her friends about the old guy that used her face.

I experience these moments more here in Tennessee, then there.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm really confused about who I am and what my values are. There's a world outside my door but I'm running out of reasons to step through it. Driving to the liquor store doesn't count. Getting a royal flush with two cards that don't belong in a real deck, for fake money, doesn't count either. My shoulder continues to hurt despite stronger Celebrex. Sometimes I just want to give up. Every day I put clothes on, because that's what you're supposed to do, but it's almost 0900 and I haven't yet. It's six days until Thanksgiving, and I have a problem just getting dressed and stepping outside, looks like I'm not going anywhere...

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Daniel and I did Devil's Cut shots and played poker tonight. At one point he thought he had a kick ass hand and started talking real bucks. The poor son of a bitch had two pair, and, being shot drivin, thought he could kick my ass.

We were up to eighty bucks, when we called each other. I told him there was no way he could beat me, but he just kept coming on. Thinking his two pair was going to beat whatever lame ass bluffing hand I had.

We play with two jokers, and I had both of them, along with three top shelf hearts, that added up to the best hand in poker, a Royal Flush.

We didn't exchange cash, but I whipped his ass good!

Correction: Since we were playing with two wildcards (Jokers), five of a kind of anything would beat a natural Royal Flush, but since I had both wildcards, mute.

Daniel and I had a great chat last night with my longtime friend Beryl and her daughter JudyAnn in Hawaii. It was evening for us and noon for them, and Beryl was off to work.

What a fun time! We exchanged photos and I have to say, Beryl with a few years on me, and her daughter in the background, look amazing!

And she's still working, at a jewelry store! And she has a home on the big island! I am so happy for them. Talk about landing well...

Meanwhile, Daniel and I did shots, again. He brought over a bottle called Jim Beam Devil's Cut. It's still sitting on my table here, at 0500, along with his main drink cup. It's dark out but I should walk over there in my robe and make sure he's not unconscious on the ground. Ok, I just did, and he's not.

I still have an invite to Hawaii, thank you Beryl. We've had a great history and if I could get my act together, I would love to go visit you.

I told my doctor Christine that I went eleven days in a row last month without drinking. I also told her I canceled the liver ultrasound she had scheduled last month, so she drew some more blood today.

Gee, after those Crown Royal shots last night, I'll bet that's a pretty result!

The reality is, something is going to kill me eventually. So, if the ultrasound showed my liver hanging by a thread, what are they going to do? Cut my back open and give me a new one?

I actually don't think my liver is going to take me out. I've been drinking for almost sixty years and my sweet little liver has learned how to adapt.

My biggest concern is the arthritis in my right shoulder/arm. People that make their living using particular body parts suffer from this disorder. I used that arm to write great code over decades, others suffer from knee issues, like my auto body son, and everyone else that works is at risk of the same.

So I talked drugs with my doctor. I told her that Celebrex works, just make it stronger, and she bumped it up to 200. It maxes out at 400 and I will probably reach that some day.

I stopped by Walgreen's after a trip to the Park and they said it wasn't ready, come back in a couple hours. Then I came home and started writing this, and a text arrived saying it was ready, wtf.

So, if you've read this far, picture this. I'm sitting in my little house, door open on a cold day because I have my warm stuff on, writing this while getting drunker, and I need my new meds bad, but I can't drive anymore.

Hah! I'm actually laughing at the situation. Maybe Daniel will take me up to the drive thru after work, or I'll down a bunch of Ibuprofin and get through the night.

Just another day being OldManJim...