I just felt something crawling down my chest, my eyes were closed as I was nodding off in the Cave. I didn't know what it was, so I swatted it hard.

Turns out it was me, I had drooled, slobbered all over my chest with a big string of saliva, but I killed that thing with a hard swat! It must have been those two gummies sitting on the counter, that I found.

It's very interesting taking so many pills a day, I have never done this in my life, and I honestly don't know what any of them do. But if I miss my evening pills, my right arm is killing me in the morning.

But I feel alright and my brain seems intact lately. I keep trying to tell people that my technique for getting through the day involves vodka and pot, plus the pills.

Ok, I know it was a lot of vodka, a little weed, and not giving a flying fuck about my life, that got me here.

But everything has changed with these new meds, they make me feel ok physically, and my mental state is solid.

Shelby deserves the best from me, and I'm trying hard. Just give me the chance to make it work!

Well, it's the last day of June. This honestly stuns me, memories of the last few months are like the Jaggies in front of my eyes, they come and go in the hot air.

It's truly become a quest for my survival as a man. Thanks to my grand-daughter Shelby, and my family and friends, I may just make it.

I'm surrounded by the stuff that matters to me. My tables and chairs, my big TV with a sound system that needs hooking up, and my grandfathers hammers.

Somehow I've managed to keep hold of the few items in my life that still have value to me. They really probably don't mean anything to anybody, but they represent my past and my family, and without that, I am nothing.

We're hunkering down today, for a while, as the badass thunderstorm downpour rolls by. This is how the homeless take showers around here. They strip off their clothes and wash off in the warm strong rain, entertained by loud rolling thunder.

Shelby and I are playing it smart today. We're waiting until the storm stops before we go to the Beach. Ok, maybe it is the place with the big bar tab I swore I would never go to again. Hell, I swear about shit I never back up, all the time.

I made my first drink of the day here at home today, half way through noon. I should probably not go the beach now. Hell, I can't even find the shirt I wore to the pool brunch yesterday, and it's my favorite.

I also don't know where my wallet is. I'm pretty sure I gave it to Shelbs last night, so not worried.

Yea, I think I better stay home. But she should go! It's Sunday, her day off from a grueling on-line job, and her friend circle is there.

Leave the old man home to hunker down, get buzzed and stoned, watch a movie and write.

Shelby and I went to a brunch yesterday, with friends of hers down the Pensacola road. The host was a local pediatrician with a lovely professional wife. It looked like they had a really nice home, but I never went inside, I spent my time at the pool.

People began arriving shortly after us. They were all really good looking and they came bearing more food to match the spread on the table next to the pool.

A guy I've met before invited me to the back forty to smoke a fatty. I was in good shape as the sun went down. I can't go into detail, but this is the second party down here I've held beautiful bare breasts in my appreciative hands.

And to be very clear here, Shelby was not in this mix, we have rules, but she won.

I'm getting to know my mancave neighbor, Rajiv, from Sri Lanka. We've been hanging out at our open garage doors the last couple of nights, and I like him. He's been a businessman, bartender, owner pioneer here in Pensacola for a long time.

Shelby and I wondered over to his place last night after the debate. He had some family and friends there, it was fun.

Now I'm in the cave on a steaming hot Florida day, dancing, drinking, smoking and writing. Everyone around me is off to work or whatever they do. Shelby's doing her online job at her office in the living room.

The hot chick who walks her two dogs has been prancing around on the grass in front of me, twice. There's an interesting older women living here, we've evolved past eye contact and we're now waving at each other as she gets in and out of her car in front of me. I need to invite her to the cave.

Update: I did, her name is Dawn, I liked her, I told her I once loved a woman named Dawn. We chatted a bit, she's a massage therapist, and a very nice lady.

I'm trying to accept my illness, and the way I am with it. On numerous occasions I've been a brain damaged idiot and offended people. I'm really trying to end that, to somehow see what's real and what's not.

But I know myself to my soul. I'm almost 78 and I have evolved into who I am. I'm honest, I don't cheat, steal or harm anyone or anything. I love a few people.

I am who I am, what I present is real, and I have no problem presenting it.

It's interesting and kind of fun to examine the new spots and areas popping up all over my trimmed down old body.

I don't hurt, I got enough drugs in me to handle that, and I'm not depressed, I got meds for that to!

Things are cool here at Shelby's house, where her crazy old grand-father is along for the ride.

The Debate is tonight, and the Dem's are whipping up Sloppy Joe's for dinner, so are we, while Trump try's to Trump that with Trump Salad in November.

Maybe I can get Shelby out here to the cave tonight, watch the show on my big screen...

...

My boy Riley's mom, Colleen, is in a Washington state hospital with a serious respiratory disease that may be the end for her. I talked to Riley yesterday and asked him to extend my love to her.

In the early eighties my friend Steve Smith invited me over to his shop in Oakland to check out his new Apple computer, it was the first to hit the market and I was the computer guy.

One of his employees was a petite fiery redhead named Colleen Bangert. We hooked up later that night at a party at Steve's house, and began a decades long relationship.

It was a wild ride, and I enjoyed most of it. We had many crazy times together, like the time I kicked her out of my little white sports car in the middle of the Mexican desert, and drove off. Obviously, I came back.

I was right outside that hospital room when Riley was born and placed in my arms. I was so grateful to Colleen for giving me one more chance to be a dad. We eventually split as a couple, but I stayed on as his proud father.

I remember opening a box of old photos when Steph and I arrived in Idaho. One picture stood out, a hot redhead standing on a beach in a little red bikini, and Steph said "Who's this?"

When I told her it was Colleen, her jaw dropped, hell my jaw dropped, I forgot how hot she was.

Now her moment of leaving here is near. I congratulate her on a good life, and for being a good mother. I look forward to seeing her on the other side.

I think the connection between my memory, and it's every second involvement with my brain matter, has been damaged.

I have these things I call Jaggies, brain electrical connections flowing in front of my vision.

I'm rapidly losing my ability to form words into sentences, or even remembering events or people, in the last couple months.

I honestly believe it's from falls over the last few years, where I've struck the back of my head.

One fall about three years ago sent me to the local hospital, and all the tests and machines said I was ok. I took a tumble down a BNB stairwell with family in Nashville recently. I got pain pills for my hurt right shoulder.

It's all tied together. Over the years I've survived as a lonely old man on a dead end street in the deep south, drinking vodka, taking pain meds, and smokin when I could.

My sweet beautiful grand-daughter Shelby and I were playing Lecture Wars tonight, and she told me stories about my life in that house which led up to my current condition. No food, a bare pantry, but plenty of vodka.

These were stories based on her observations, and comments from the neighbors. I was a fucking mess when neighbor Daniel found me that day, called 911, then Shelby, and Riley.

I was taking Parkinsons meds and Celebrex for my shoulder pain, which I had probably stopped taking at that point.

I was just waiting to pass on. The county would swoop in, cremate me and plant me in the local paupers cemetery, then put a write-up in the Wed weekly paper.

So now here I am, taking a dozen meds daily, sitting in a great, steaming hot man-cave in a beautiful place in Florida.

Shelby keeps trying to get me to eat, hmmm, I think that was lecture two or three. I really try, but I have no, what do you call it? appetite!

We're working on a slice of meatloaf and mashed potatoes tonight.

She also want's to take me on a walk up some steps to an ocean view tomorrow. If my legs are working, let's go!

But now, I've got an invite to watch a comedy on her big screen from her couch. Good night...

Update: The neighborhood cat walked into the man cave and we made friends. Her name is Luna, very sweet...

...

I went through my wallet today and found a 1993 Solid Silver Round coin in a soft plastic sleeve.

I don't remember who gave it to me, but someday, when my long bearded old body is found in the desert, sticky notes scattered around me reminding me of my life, and a jug of vodka jammed into my sun-burned lips, maybe some family member will check it out.

I could also use it to buy a jug of vodka, when my wallet is completely empty but for the coin, and I'm ready to head for the desert. But I won't be holding it then.

Either way, I like it. Whoever gave it to me, thanks!

Most of my remaining friends and family blame alcohol for my condition. Whenever I want a drink now, I get the lecture. So, not only am I blaming myself, I have verbal re-reinforcements that help confirm it.

Questions like "Do you really need that drink?" pop up all the time. Sometimes it happens on the first one, which implies quitting completely. Now I'm getting full lectures often, mostly from the people directly involved in that early April incident, and that still care about me.

Shelby's getting better, she's pretty much laid it in my lap. She's offering me an opportunity to get myself well, to beat an addiction, and it's totally up to me to win and succeed, or to fail and die.

What I've learned in my old life, is that lecturing is counter-intuitive. The person being lectured already feels terrible, and dumping your one sided opinions on them, just hurts, and they often feel worse.

It's almost 9pm and I've had some breakfast, ate a lime popcicle for dinner, and I'm fine. I'm sitting at the big round table with my two round chairs and the little round table in between, writing this post in crazy heat with the garage door wide open into the neighborhood, and I'm home.

As I look around I realize I have landed once again, with the few physical possessions I value from my long life, around me. Those that I don't have anymore, don't matter. I guess that includes people.

btw: I've been writing this, sitting next to a great liquor cabinet, and I haven't had a fucking drink all day!

I got an invite to go to the beach again yesterday. I can't remember over the past years when I got an invite like that two days in a row, so I said yea.

I had fun, got a professional back rub, I'm a bit blacker and $140 poorer (I think I got the tab).

I should have stayed home and took care of the dogs, apparently they hired someone to do that last night.

I feel like shit, my bodies reacting to the lack of food, (my chosing) and the abuse of other things. The garage door is half open and it's over a hundred degrees in here. Meanwhile it's freezing inside Shelby's house, she likes the air cranked down cold.

Someone is sending PDFs to my phone and it wanted to install a reader. I said ok then it wanted to install a desktop organizer. Fuck this shit, if you send me a PDF it ain't getting read. I helped Adobe create this format decades ago, ain't this ironic.

I'm beginning to look for a shell and ask my landlord for my shotgun back...

We're going shopping in a bit, I need a protein drink!

Shelby just set a tasty plate of rice and chicken down in front of me, guess I've got energy for the store now, and somehow my phone is back alive, as am I.

It was a fun Saturday at Pensacola Beach on a hot sunny day. Shelby and I arrived about noon, in her beautiful blond girfriends Lexus, with the friend as passenger and me in the back. The boats were pouring into the harbor with gusto and the party was on.

Our buddies boat was the biggest and loudest, and I think he won. In the process of moving from the dock through the water to his boat, I thought I heard Shelby say just stick your phone in your pocket, it's waterproof.

I'm noticing that as my brain declines, I hear things as I want to hear, not as they are. Which was the case with the phone, I thought I had killed it, when everyones eyes on the boat got big as I pulled it from my bathing suit pocket, but it came back this morning, thank god.

I had a dog visitor on my bed last night, so I had them both secured down in the man cave this morning, sitting on my lap, when the girls burst in all laughing and giggling at the sight.

I like girls, especially when they're still in their nighties looking for their dogs...

...

I fell again today. It was a weird one, peddling hard on Shelbs exercise bike with my sandals on, outside the grips.

She moved it out onto the driveway so I could watch TV. I began peddling and moving hard, than she handed me some weights and the exercise routine was on!

My rhythm with the bike was perfect, than I lost it for a split second. I thrust my body forward, extending my hand to grab the bike handle, and missed it.

I expected the bike to roll with me, nope. Suddenly I found myself thrust from the fucking thing into a vertical position, even with the handle. I was three feet from the ground and fell straight down.

I landed equally with the back of my head and my old back bouncing off the concrete. I have blood on my head and elbow.

It didn't hurt, I take too many pills. It left no marks, I'm too tan.

It's been an interesting day down here in Pensacola FL and it's sister city, Gulf Whatever. Shelby drove us up and around the Peninsula coastline and it's a damn pretty place.

We picked up Stormy's boy to help with the hard labor of setting up our house with the stuff in the garage. Everything got done today and it looks great.

The goal was to line the left side of the garage with the TV and exercise bike, with my tables and chairs on the right. It works great and it feels like my place back home in Tennessee now.

I'm sure this space will evolve as we enjoy and change everything around. Shelby and I butt heads all the time, on many issues, but we blend on this.

The garage door remains open all day, I've met a couple neighbors, hey, it's the garage. I'm the great Shelby Hamilton's grand-father, I'm a great man in my own right, we share success!

Both garage doors are open, it's rainy, and nice... I smell the ocean, I need to get there. Love to all.

It's Wed, middle of June and I keep thinking I should go home, been on the road long enough, then I realize I am home.

Started out with a body painful morning and Shelby bitched me out of it. I say that with love and gratitude. She also had me jump start Jill and I drove her to town for the first time, with Shelby along to make sure the GPS was correct.

Ya know, you spend all that money on a pretty jet blue Mercedes then you can't afford a trip to town...

It's going to be interesting learning this place, it took me half a decade to learn Lawrenceburg, TN. Right now I've got to learn this house as we put it together.

Mechanical, electronic and electrical devices haunt my life lately, it's hard to get things to work. Everything was already headed South before that episode and then bam, my knowledge was gone.

As the weeks advance, my role as house and dog watcher will evolve. Shelby needs to hit the road for work and my job is to take care of the place, and not get Zinny too fat.

Sitting in my favorite chair, next to the old worn out warm shirt I've had since Idaho.

I'm currently somewhere in N Florida, just had to let the dog off the pink chain and bring inside. He was barking at the neighbors.

Life is simple, I have my laptop on a footstool in front of me while my old favorite big table off to the left catches my stuff.

Shelby's mad at me, which means the rest of the family also is. I try to explain there are ways to ease my pain, but folks ain't buying it.

Life is pills, sobriety, and the loss of manhood...

...

I was in really bad shape a while ago, my body hurt bad and my brain wasn't working.

Things have improved dramatically since I started on that daily medication routine and the Florida Sun and water are clearing my skin up.

I've even lost a bunch of weight, just really not hungry lately. My brain is still damaged but I'm learning how to deal with everything.

As I walk now, I take short controlled steps. It's working as I haven't fallen in a while, but it sure gets in the way of life. Just don't ask me to speed up.

I'm accepting everything around me now with gratitude and great love, thanks life!

I spent a short while in the back of a Pensacola Police car this morning. I had wondered off from our place today with just shorts, sandals and a wallet. I left behind a shirt and my phone.

I'm way far away from learning this town and this morning I made a turn onto a main street and became totally shirt less, phone less and lost, in Pensacola, FL.

I couldn't call Shelby, I didn't have her address to give anyone, and this city is bigger than that advertised short walk to the beach.

I'm a firm believer in the police, I believe they're here to protect and save us from bad shit. I spotted a black and white holding up traffic while crews worked on the lights, so I walked up to his window and told him I was lost.

He told me to go stand on the corner and he would send a unit. Shortly a good old boy and his female partner showed up, just like the movies. I gave him my license and he ran my record hard, then searched my barely clad body and set me inside the back of the patrol car.

It was uncomfortable hard plastic back there but at least I was heading home. The female officer held up her laptop against the bars and said "is this your grand-daughter? and sure enough there was a full page glamorous shot of her, surrounded by contact information.

Shelby laughed when I read this to her, turns out I mentioned to the police lady that Shelby was well known around here, and she found her portfolio quickly.

It's sure different being here in Pensacola, FL than living in southern Tennessee, or the Rockies of Idaho, or rain in Seattle, or the madness of California.

People are laid back here with a small town but intellectual vibe, even though the roads are too busy for my old mentally damaged mind.

Shelby knows a lot of people here, and I've met a bunch of them lately. I understand why they live here, you can be smart, do your own thing and if you're retiring with some money, have a really great time.

I chatted with some nice friends of Shelby in a great open lunch bar today. He had that smile I notice on a lot of guys down here, he found it (born and raised here, into real estate) and he's thriving on it! His beautiful radiant daughter sat across from him, a junior high gym teacher, I found out later.

A couple nights ago I was chatting with the husband of a lady Shelby was teaching a cocktail mix to. His wife was lovely and he had an angular face, looked like a boss and I asked him what he did. He said he was retiring from management at Coca Cola and they just bought another house in downtown.

We had a drink and chatted, and as we left I said "I bet you were way up there at Coke" and they both laughed as he said "you could say so".

There's a lot of cool people here, I was hanging out with Navy Fighter pilots recently, Homer's a famous artist, and success surrounds me.

So do hot blonds with dogs in their lap.

Homer was trying to talk Shelby into something, at the bars last night.

While this chick was using tats and a cute dog to accomplish the same.

Whatever it was, it worked..

I arrived in Tennessee with Steph about six years ago. I had about 30K saved up from work in Idaho, and it's finally dwindled down to a little over a grand, as the years have rolled by. That ain't nothin in today's world.

I used to be a very smart guy, and I made a lot of money in the computer business. I spent it on life, women and travel. It's been a great, almost 78 years, of life.

I have no regrets anymore, because they're worthless and can't be undone. I take complete responsibility for everything in my life and I blame nobody for nothin.

In fact, I'm feeling kind of good now as I sip a couple cannabis infused cocktails and smoke a toke or two.

The hot blond chick in the short red dress told me to take a shower and we'll go into town this evening. Shelby had a business here over the years and has made many friends, a few I've met before.

Ahhh, hanging out with the Pensacola intellectuals downtown, on a warm early summer night.

My current life is interesting, to say the most. I'm sitting in one of my two cool chairs inside the full garage loaded with Shelby's and my stuff. It's Florida hot and muggy, I'm smoking because it's legal, and I'm sharing my life here because I'm an idiot.

I had a nice evening with Shelby last night. She got back from a meeting, where a lady client of hers had bought me a Mexican food plate. The food, and according to Shelby, the client, was hot.

We snugged up on the couch with blankets and dog last night to watch Sandra Bullock play a funny FBI agent. The movie bailed halfway through because of bad internet, and they're coming Monday to fix it.

It's the next day, and it's really important I remember this. The stroke and the brain seizures, or whatever the hell happened, have really messed me up. Not asking for sympathy here, just explaining why dumb words and actions come from my damaged mind.

That's why I write things here, so I can clean things up, and try to establish a time frame around everything, which is currently seriously confused.

Well, I've finally blown it now. When you can't distinguish gnats in front of your eyes, to spots, and you keep slapping your face while sitting on the porch on a hot morning, you know.

I've managed to fuck up my long life, I confess to that. What I deserved was to be found dead on the floor of that run down place in southern Tennessee. I fought to keep it going for five years, after losing Steph, but I failed.

I honestly tought I was saying goodbye to life on that day, using booze and weed to call it quits, but apparently I had been doing it for a while, friends say.

I had a Will somewhere that gave the few reaming valuables I had, to friends. I had enough money in the bank to barely cover a funeral, and I was all set to say goodbye to an interesting life.

I've been very fortunate to live a valuable one. I've loved deeply, but lost. I've created and taught, and hopefully won. But somewhere along the way I didn't have what it takes to win.

Lately I've watched and met a few men my age that did. Especially here in Pensacola, FL. This place is full of good looking, successful men, mostly military. They have beautiful wives, great kids, a home and a smile on their faces.

I don't blame anyone for my situation, except maybe my neighbor Daniel for finding me in my suicidal state, and changing it. Suddenly I'm surrounded by people in blue coats, laying in hospital beds with needles stuck in my body.

So this was my life, laying on a floor dead from abuse. I hadn't messed up too badly, I guess. I hadn't physically hurt anyone, and I was independent. But here I am, still alive, and still capable of fucking up.

Right now I'm sitting on one of the great chairs my sister gave us back in Idaho. Somehow it, and it's partner chair have remained with me, along with a few nice tables. Their survival is a story I've probably written upon, but I can't remember now.

The pain in my body and mind are somehow under control, due to the many prescribed drugs I take in quantity, four times a day. I've never been a pill guy, but these things are keeping me alive.

I found this out the other day when I arrived here at my new Florida home. I ran off into the hot sun of a downtown Pensacola morning, with no pills, Shelby had picked me up in the morning after an insanely long flight from Seattle and I ran off into town like the stupid old fucked up man I am.

I hung out at the cool bars, and got real drunk. Even got 86'd from one, by a nice young lady who blocked me at the door with a smile and said I wasn't welcome there anymore.

Shelby rescued me but the lack of my med's the previous day had messed up my body and my head, real bad. It showed me my destiny, I'm stuck taking almost a hundred ails a week for the rest of my living experience.

And where is the money coming from to cover this? Hell I only get less than a grand and a half a month, and that's barely going to cover other things.

I'm a financial burden on my grand-daughter, which saddens me. My son Riley and family have contributed greatly, while running their home from month to month, with two babies in the house.

But I'm not used to being a fucking burden! Yet now I'm accepting it thankfully, to my core. And good things happen occasionally, like the hot blond in a short red dress that just gave me a bowl of mac & cheese for lunch.

Spent time with my son Riley, wife Jess and my grand-daughters here in NW Washington State yesterday, and it makes me very glad to be alive.

Jess had the day off so we went to a small fair in downtown Orting, and here's Aerilla feeding Taleigh, it don't get sweeter than that.

And later on, the older red-head and I painted a bird feeder together.

Riley mowing his back yard

Something happened to me, over the last 2.5 days. I was knocked out and slept most of that time.

Shelby didn't worry about me, and we live together. My rare limited family and friends weren't concerned, But I was a bit wondering about it myself.

My brain was damaged more than a month ago, and now things gotten twisted around in comical ways.

Yesterday I had to explain to my roommate how a soaking wet load of clothes had ended up in the dryer and was running at full heat without fucking drying out my clothes. And these are the ones I'm taking to Seattle tomorrow. All fixed, btw...

Today I shifted from this North Florida home and back to my family in the North Washington State area, for a week.

It should be a loving emotional fun visit with my son Riley and his family, while living and blogging from his great home back in Washington state.

Jess has setup some games for me to play with the girls, sounds like healthy fun, especially since my brain is running like a two year old!

Shelby got me packed and down to a local busy airport near Pensacola and I flew up to the beautiful town of Charlotte, NC.

From there I was to transfer for a flight to SeaTac, WA. but the thunderstorms changed everything. We sat for more than an hour before they unseated us into a crowded boarded area.

Then they got some fresh pilots and put us back on the same plane. Now we're waiting on stewardesses, and we're still at the airport.

We're trying to fly, the storms have stopped and my family doesn't know what to do with me when I arrive!

Due to a continual lack of crew we didn't get out of there until late the next morning, in the same jet we reboarded three different times.

Riley finally hooked up with me about 0400, took me back to his house for a couple hours of sleep and then drove back to his Auto Body shop right next to SeaTac.

I finally met my incredably beautiful new grand-daugter this morning (well, next to her older syster) who's stunning me with her smarts and amazing red hair. She's also demanding that ninteen comes before twenty. Well, fine with me!

The two girls names are Aerilla = r + e + ella (the oldest) and Taleigh = ta + lee (the newest).

Riley heads to his autobody shop early in the morning while Jess runs her at home business, from a home office, while raising the girls during the day.

They have done amazing for themselves and I'm real proud. I figure the next few mellow days hanging out with them should settle my poor damaged mind down, in a good way.

I was laying on the front porch a bit ago, soaking up some sun, as it was chilly inside the house. I was laying sideways watching a few cars drive up a small on ramp when I heard a roar down the road.

Suddenly five blue jets in formation, with one off to the side, came roaring in front of me, a hundred feet away, fifty off the ground. WTF!

I've always loved the Angels, Shelby's dated a couple, but to have them cruise by the front porch while I'm trying to nap, I don't know about this Florida stuff...

...

It's 5pm Central time here in, whatever town this is, which is funny as it matches my old Tennessee time.

Shelby and I have rolled through Stop signs all morning, taking care of business around town. We did a shop at the Publix, and then unpacked a bunch of stuff from the previous place in Tampa.

Some great hand drawn get well cards arrived from my west-coast grand-daughters, which I'm seeing next week.

I even canceled a couple of Tennessee services over the phone and online, working on canceling medical ones now. It's been a good Florida day.

Writing this Post in my new shared home with my beautiful grand-daughter as she preps for guaranteed company this Spring, is real fun.

I just wish we had a couple AA batteries to fix my mouse, writing a Post with a Trackpad sucks.